In the Press

Full Transcript: Interview with Naiomi Kooritzky on Music Planet Radio

In this interview, host Cerphe Colwell speaks with professional matchmaker and Options founder Naiomi Kooritzky about the current state of online dating, the problems with swipe culture, and how her offline matchmaking service helps LGBTQ+ singles find lasting love.

Cerphe Colwell: We're speaking today with the legendary dating and matchmaking guru Naiomi Kooritzky. Naiomi has been matching singles for over 30 years, is as enthusiastic about her calling as ever, and will help you navigate through the tangled web of dating sites by providing some insight into the current dating world through the eyes of a professional matchmaker. Naiomi, why do you think singles should join Options rather than just using one of the multitudes of online dating sites like Match.com or apps like Tinder?

Naiomi Kooritzky: Before we get into that, let me discuss for a moment what the online dating scene looks like today. Most singles these days are suffering from dating overload or what I call dating ADD and tend to get confused by all the different options available. Many online daters are completely overwhelmed by the hoard of profiles available to select from and compete with. So many of which are complete fabrications when it comes to such claims as height and income, which the men are primarily guilty of, to weight and age, which the women tend to consistently lie about. Not to mention the outdated photos and even sadly, photos that aren't even of the person that you're communicating with. Just look at the recent Ashley Madison hack that exposed the fact that the majority of women the men presumed they were chatting with were actually female impersonator bots, an army of over 70,000 female bots. Plus there's always the well-founded fear of the risks involved in exposing themselves to unscreened prospects. Besides being so time consuming, you have to deal with the fact that online dating has become a free for all. For most it’s all about instant gratification, as opposed to long term compatibility. Many online daters behave like they're on Amazon with an insatiable shopping mentality. In sharp contrast with all of that, the Options process makes it far less frustrating, far more civilized, and drastically reduces the rejection factor. Think about it. These days, people have personal trainers, personal pet sitters, even personal shoppers. So we serve as your personal matchmaker, doing all the legwork and evaluation for you. Think of us as a solution to outsourcing your dating life. We put the human touch back into dating by carefully screening and vetting your introduction so that you don't have to do something you're completely unequipped for and simply don't have the time to do. We're an offline service with a live staff of dedicated matchmakers, not some computer algorithm that totally ignores the vital intricate nuances necessary for the kind of good match that only a seasoned and highly motivated matchmaker can detect. Their efforts not only result in actual dates, but thoroughly screened and carefully evaluated matches that meet long tested criteria. Plus, most online dating matches don't turn into actual dates for a variety of reasons, and those that do turn into dates are often very awkward and disheartening. The Wall Street Journal may have summed it up best with their recent articles, which gave the reason for so much disappointment by stating that almost 60% of the people going online to date are already in relationships or married. They're just not happy. Careful and conscientious screening can avoid that problem entirely. In fact, just a word of warning to your listeners, if someone doesn't want to engage in FaceTime or video chat within a week or two max, start to get suspicious. In all likelihood, they're what the majority are called in the industry as romance scammers, and a relationship is the very last thing that they're looking for.

Cerphe Colwell: Who is your target clientele?

Naiomi Kooritzky: Options serves proactive singles who are ready for a committed relationship, mostly professionals ranging from the late 30s to early 70s, with their career and finances in good order, have a home and a strong circle of friends. In other words, all the basic essentials are in place. This is just the one area in their lives where they need some expert assistance. Most are tired of or don't trust the online odyssey and don't have the time or desire to sift through endless profiles that so often end up with disappointing experiences and going nowhere. Our members view us as a time saver. Imagine, no profile writing, searching, messaging or wondering about suspicious profiles. They prefer a highly confidential and stress free process that affords the highest level of discretion and attention. When it comes to their personal lives, they'd rather keep it private and safe. Therefore online dating site snaps aren't even an option. Also, many matchmaking services only charge the men while comping the women. Therefore, the women have absolutely nothing vested which sets the stage for potential gold diggers. We definitely don't operate that way. All of our members have invested in the opportunity to meet one another, which eliminates the game playing that tends to exist both in the virtual and real worlds. On the other hand, if someone wants to invest in our service but has completely unrealistic dating expectations or an inflated idea of who they should be with, we will tactfully guide them elsewhere.

Cerphe Colwell: But isn't your service considerably more expensive than online sites.

Naiomi Kooritzky: We have many different memberships available. So long as you're relationship oriented and you pass our screening, we'll find a program that suits your budget. The bulk of our memberships are premium memberships with guaranteed introductions. However, we recently developed some introductory basic memberships that are quite affordable with rates that are comparable to some online sites.

Cerphe Colwell: What do you love the most about matchmaking?

Naiomi Kooritzky: Well, there are very few things in life that I find more rewarding than bringing two people together. I actually feel that I was born to it. Whenever I bring love into two people's worlds, I'm not only changing their lives, but the lives of everyone around them, friends, family, coworkers, etc. So my impact extends far beyond just the two people I've brought together. It's always a wonderful and energizing feeling, and it's a feeling that never goes away.

Cerphe Colwell: What is your success rate?

Naiomi Kooritzky: I'm tempted to say 100% because even those few who do not end up with compatible partners have been matched up on enough dates to be able to better evaluate the type of person they believe is best suited for them, and to get a better perspective and insights as to where improvements or changes would be beneficial. Many come to us with a very specific type of what they're looking for, and we encourage people to think a little outside the box. That's actually where we've had a very high degree of success. However, our rate of unquestioned success in achieving actual matches is about 87%, a rate which is determined largely by looking at our members who go on hold, a status which they request because they want the time to develop an exclusive relationship with the person we have introduced them to. Hold status allows them to freeze the process as they further explore the match. There are various degrees of success within our extensive hold files as well. Some are dating while keeping separate residences, whereas others choose to cohabit. A small percentage has actually purchased a home together. But for us, the ultimate success is the marriages. Nevertheless, two members who have together requested hold status is considered a success.

Cerphe Colwell: What is the goal of the matchmaker?

Naiomi Kooritzky: Coming up with good matches of course, but this is achieved only by going through a careful and extensive matching process. After developing a promising match and ensuring that all profile information is accurate and up to date on both sides, the matchmakers’ primary goal is to facilitate a meeting. As I mentioned earlier, when it comes to online dating, the vast majority of dates end up going absolutely nowhere. After all the time consuming and laborious searches, most people end up right where they began in the virtual world. Meeting face to face after connecting online also seems to present an enormous challenge, and many people just disappear without offering any explanation. On the contrary with Options we not only arrange the connection, but we make every effort to ensure that the two members will actually meet face to face. Even after the date we maintain close oversight through feedback, an integral and essential part of the process. Since we learn more about the matches from both perspectives, this allows us to fine tune the future matches and even provide relationship coaching when needed.

Cerphe Colwell: Do you ever feel that old fashioned matchmaking will go by the wayside someday?

Naiomi Kooritzky: : Absolutely not! Granted the Web will always offer a much bigger, tempting pool of possible prospects, but it will never eliminate the deficiencies which now plague computer dating sites, the exaggerations, the lies, the ever present risks. The fact is that as Internet dating grows, there seems to be a renewed interest in services such as ours, as dissolution daters trade ineffectual computer algorithms for hands on human attention. When it comes to human emotions, love and commitment, nothing beats the traditional approach that's been used so effectively for 1000s of years. Way before computers came along.

Cerphe Colwell: Wow, you've really enlightened me as to the advantages of traditional matchmaking, and I'm sure that our listeners have learned a lot from this brief introduction as well, and that you'll be happy to hear from any of those who would be interested in additional information. Naoimi, thank you so much.

The Love Guru

As a child, the sight of two people walking hand-in-hand down the street always elicited a smile on Naiomi Kooritzky’s face, and you can say she was a romantic at a very young age.

“The dating world has become a free-for-all and it’s all about instant gratification, and that’s not us,” she says. “We’re not here for affairs or for those not entirely serious; I look instead for those who are relationship-oriented or marriage-minded.”

“I always got a jolt, and that feeling has always followed me,” she says. “I never liked to hear that someone was getting divorced or was never married. I always felt that everyone should be in a fulfilling relationship.”

It’s no surprise to anyone who has ever known her that today Naiomi is one of the most successful matchmakers in the business, having helped tens of thousands of people find that special someone over the past 30 years.

“There are very few things in life that are more rewarding than bringing a couple together,” she says. “When I bring love into two people’s world, I am changing the lives of everyone around them so my impact is on more than just the two people. This always feels wonderful and it’s a feeling that never goes away.”

Naiomi began matching people by organizing romantic singles cruises on the Potomac aboard a yacht named “Finished Business,” but quickly realized that there was a larger need for her matchmaking services. Therefore, in 1994 she opened a dating service called Options (optionsdate.com).

“I was always matching people up in high school and telling my friends, ‘you should be with so and so,’ and I had this great intuition of who belongs with who,” Naiomi says. “I never really thought about it as a business until later when I was unhappy in law school.”

Born in Seoul, Korea, Naiomi moved to the Tysons area when she was 12, went to Marshall High School, American University and then George Mason Law for a bit.

“I was a criminal justice major and I thought I would join the CIA or go into law, but neither possibility really felt right to me after a while,” she says. “But now I am doing something I absolutely adore.”

Not that it’s easy. Sure, lots of people today jump on the Internet and go “shopping” for a date on one of the ever-increasing online or mobile sites, but Naiomi feels those connections aren’t anywhere as strong and could even be risky.

“The lure of online dating has generated a sort of shopping mentality and people treat it as if they are on Amazon,” she says. “Most people look at pictures, could care less about someone’s likes and dislikes and completely ignore the red flags. What we do is make sure there is a strong foundation of compatibility.”

Options does this by utilizing a test that Naiomi has been giving clients for 21 years, delving into important issues like sexual attitude, religion and numerous topics ranging from pets to fitness to children.

“We make sure the two look good together and complement each other,” she says. “It’s a sophisticated time-proven service with a staff of professional matchmakers that do all the legwork and make one-on-one introductions of substance that have generated proven results.”

Options is not for everyone. If you’re someone just looking to “hook up” or want to play the field for a while with different dates, Naiomi won’t accept you as a client. She also won’t accept those who have just gotten out of a relationship and are not emotionally ready to move on, or those going through a divorce.

“The dating world has become a free-for-all and it’s all about instant gratification, and that’s not us,” she says. “We’re not here for affairs or for those not entirely serious; I look instead for those who are relationship-oriented or marriage-minded.”

In addition to those who sign up as clients, Naiomi is always on the prowl for single men and women who she feels will make good matches. She’s not at all shy approaching people at the bank, post office or most anywhere, and asking if they are single and determining if they would make a good candidate for her service.

Every member is personally screened, all information is checked for accuracy and then Naiomi and her team of matchmaking experts gets down to work. A thorough profile is then developed for each member, and every match is based on compatibility and physical qualities. Once a match is made, the two will meet and chemistry often takes over.

“I always look forward to the feedback after a match,” she says. “Of course, matchmaking is labor intensive, and it’s not going to just happen tomorrow; it could take several introductions to weed out what someone is looking for. But it’s a proven method and there’s nothing better than helping two people find love. It’s what I live for.”

MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER

Dating Services have long served the shy, the picky, and the busy. These days, they’re increasingly specialized, too.

NAIOMI KOORITZKY, Owner of OPTIONS, an introduction service for gays, lesbians, and HIV+ people, says her client base is neglected by most matchmakers.

Howard McDonough will be celebrating Valentine's Day with his partner of more than a year, the first person he met after deciding to join a local dating service. McDonough considers himself fortunate to have found someone so quickly—and someone who can understand what he's been through over the past several years.

''I'm HIV+," McDonough, 49, a minister who lives in Gaithersburg, says, "and to try to find a partner who's HIV+ is not all that easy."

McDonough found out he had the virus—and AIDS itself—in 1989. At the time, he was seriously ill (he retired in 1991 and has lived on disability assistance since), and while it was certainly not his most urgent concern, he was convinced that he would never again find anyone to love. "I really felt for three years or so that this is the end of the road," he says. "I was sick and I even thought, I’m not ever going to have a good day again, I’m just going to feel sick all the time."

When his health began to improve, McDonough found his HIV+ status a constant burden when meeting new people. Not only did he worry about accidentally infecting a new partner with the virus, but he also struggled to figure out the rules of disclosure. "When do I tell them?" he asks. "On the first date? On the second? There's the fear of rejection."

He decided to try to find someone who understood his dilemma—another HIV+ man. In the past, he'd used personal ads in local gay papers, but had no luck. "You have no idea who'll show up at the door, even if you're just meeting for coffee," he says. "They say they're 35 and it turns out they're 65." In addition to age, he found that people he met through personal ads most often lied about their education and employment, even their race, which particularly surprised and disappointed him: "I was looking for someone who was African American."

In 1994, he decided to try Options, a young company based in Virginia that has four offices on the East Coast, including one in Baltimore. Options, founded by former Together dating service employee Naiomi Kooritzky, is a matching service targeted at gay, lesbian, and HIV+ singles. "The cost blew me away a little bit," he says; he was charged $1,000 for six introductions. "But I thought, this is an investment in my future."

The Options counselors warned him it could take three or four months to find a match. About three months later, in December of 1994, he was introduced to another HIV+ man, a minister who works in the Baltimore/Washington, D.C., area. "And we've been together ever since," McDonough says proudly. The couple moved in together last May; McDonough is feeling well enough these days to be founding a ministry for persons with AIDS in Washington, D.C.

Not everyone who buys a membership at a dating or introduction service has such an immediate or rewarding return on the investment, which can range from less than $50 up into the thousands. But the services, which began to gain popularity in the 1970s, are thriving in the 1990s. What's more, there's an ever-increasing crop of specialized matchmakers—for everyone from HIV+ gay men to young Jewish professionals to classical-music lovers to Ivy League grads—fixing up America’s unmatched masses.

The number of unmarried people in the United Sates over 25—including divorced, widowed, and never-wed folks—totals 49 million, about one in five Americans, according to the 1990 census. The singles population has jumped 85 percent since the 1970 census: by contrast, the number of married people has grown only 19 percent. The surge in singles is attributable to several factors, including the increased divorce rate, a trend toward marrying later then previous generations did, less pressure from society to marry at all, and the fact that the entire massive Baby Boom generation has reached “marriageable” age since 1970.

The total number of unattached Americans is deceptive, though, and many of these legally “single” people are in fact not sitting by the phone on Saturday nights. Some might have a lover—or several—and cohabit; more than 2.7million American households, according to 1993 census figures, include an unmarried couple in which the head of the household is at least 25 years old. Some—anywhere from one to 10 percent of the U.S. population, depending on which estimate you believe—are gay and lesbian, and thus their relationships go uncounted by the government. Some simply prefer to remain unattached. But anyway the demographic pie is sliced it still contains plenty of people—of any age or sexual orientation—who are not single by choice.

Brad and Diane Megahan, president and vice-president, respectively, of Together dating services franchises in the Baltimore/Washington. D.C., area and in the Carolinas, know just how big that pie is. “We attract less than one percent of the single population,” Brad 41, says. “There’s a pretty big market out there.”

The couple—who did not, incidentally meet through a dating service—started their branch of Together, the oldest and largest of the introduction services, in 1982 in Timonium, when they were newlyweds. (The Together chain started in 1974 in Boston, and now boasts 172 offices world-wide.) The Megahans are planning to introduce the service, which uses personality profiles to match potentially compatible members, to the Australian singles market.

Today, their Baltimore-area operation has 7,000 active and inactive members, and its counselors create 150 matches (or introductions) per week. They get about 30 new clients a week in Baltimore, and boast 1.5 engagements of Together members per week.

“I’d never thought of [trying a dating service] when I was single,” Brad says. “But times have changed.” He thinks dating services have grown in reputation since their first appearance two decades ago: “dating services are now where health clubs used to be.”

The typical Together member is in his or her 30s, Diane says, and the company aims at reaching singles between the ages of 25 and 49. The Megahans estimate their overall membership is at 55 percent male and 45 percent female, with an abundance of men in their 20s and women over age 50 (because many are widowed).

Perhaps surprisingly, a lot of men in their 20s try dating services because “it’s easier for them,” Brad says. “There’s less pressure to meet women.” In fact, so many young men flock to Together to escape the pressure of chatting up girls in bars that the company has instituted a minimum age of 25 for male clients. Brad says, “We just don’t attract enough young girls.”

Sarah*, 37, a South Baltimore woman and Together client, agrees that the service has plenty of men to go around. She found that she was getting more bachelors for the buck than originally advertised. “Women get introductions every two weeks, and men every month,” she says. There are too many men in the system.” It rapidly became a case of too many swains, too little time. “My eldest daughter is a senior in high school, and she was laughing because I kept getting those calls from men,” Sarah says. “It was kind of fun for a while, but then it got to be too much. I’d just tell them I’d met somebody already.”

The company uses personality profiles and a questionnaire, generated by client interviews, to spell out the member's requirements for a future mate, including preferred age range, height, religion, and whether he or she would consider someone with kids or a smoking habit. (Another giant of the industry, Great Expectations, which was founded in 1976 and boasts more than 45 franchises, produces videos of clients and allows members to make their own choices from the tapes they view.)

Together counselors match the profiles and criteria by hand, without the benefit of computers, and send the matches each other's names and phone numbers. The next step is up to them. The Megahans estimate that 12 to 18 introductions are the average for Together clients; Brad says the company's membership fees range from $1,595 for six introductions to $3,995 for 36 introductions and other perks.

Although that cost may seem excessive and prohibitive, some Together clients believe it helps keep out the riffraff. Sarah, who joined Together after separating from her husband—and found her current boyfriend after four or five introductions—felt the service was a safer option than trying the personal ads. "Any Tom, Dick, or Harry could send an ad into the paper," she says. "But the dating service is not cheap. If someone's willing to put out that kind of money, they're probably sincere."

Others balk at the high prices, and at the hard sell some services use. Tom*, 39, a Baltimorean who looked into a local video-introduction service while divorcing his wife, is still angry about his treatment at the company he visited. He’d filled out a mailed questionnaire and decided to check out the service, mostly out of curiosity. The intended brief office visit evolved into a three-hour ordeal, and the prices he was quoted reached $3,000.

“It’s like going to buy a car,” he says. “You know those salesmen they call 'cold closers,' the ones car dealerships use to get money out of you right there, that night?" His "cold closer," he says, was a young woman with a short skirt and no sense of humor. She not only failed to laugh at his quips, but unleashed a couple of zingers herself: "Were you like this with your wife? Maybe this was where some of your problems came from."

"They made me feel so small, throwing my personal life in my face," he says. He responded by insulting her male supervisor, who futilely attempted to close the deal by bragging that he'd dated 55 women in the past year. Six months later, the "cold closer" called Tom to follow up. "Apparently," he says, "my performance wasn't enough to wipe me from their data base."

Some potential Together clients don't make the cut. The company has no introduction service for homosexuals. It rejects married people, and the Megahans say they don't bother with folks who are more interested in a hot time than a relationship. "If someone calls up just interested in sex," Brad says, "we figure that out pretty quickly."

He takes pains to mention that his company "is not a detective agency," and the Megahans are vague on the topic of how exactly client's backgrounds are verified. "If someone has a criminal record as a rapist—and sometimes they tell you they do—obviously they're not going to be allowed to join," Diane says. But "there's no hard and fast rule" about people's legal pasts, Brad says; a client with a long-ago nonviolent conviction, for example, might not be automatically rejected.

Also a member’s medical history might prove an obstacle to membership. “If someone says they're HIV+," Diane says, "we have to divulge that to the person we match them to." Brad adds, "There's a question of whether the company would be liable" if a HIV+ client infected another Together client. He says they don't have an official policy regarding HIV+ customers, but "that issue doesn't come up frequently."

But it does come up, Naiomi Kooritzky says, and that's why she founded Options, the introduction service McDonough used to find his partner, two years ago. "Naiomi's a smart person," Brad says, adding with a chuckle, "Of course she is—she worked for us!

Kooritzky, 35, started Options primarily for people with HIV. "I worked at Together for 10 months, and we would turn away people who were HIV+," she says. With an HIV+ family member, she says, "I know a lot about the disease, and I know that they need love too." Kooritzky notes that many dating services reject HIV+ clients of any sexual orientation, and many of the major services do not match gays and lesbians.

Options' Baltimore office, open since April, currently has about 700 clients in the area. Although her business is thriving—Options just opened an office in Philadelphia, and Kooritzky hopes to offer national franchises in a year—she is frank about the problems of marketing to a niche that faces discrimination. "The numbers [of possible clients] are small. It’s been a struggle.” She buys mailing lists from gay-oriented businesses and magazines, and mails out questionnaires to prospective customers. “People won’t sell me mailing lists when they find out what I do.” She says. “I’ve seen doors close in my face. But I'm half-Korean, half-Russian, and I've been fighting discrimination since I was born."

She modeled Options' matching service after Together’s—both use interviews and questionnaires to determine members' common interests and personal traits that might ensure compatibility. Both services reject the use of videos to showcase their members' charms. "Unless you're attractive and come across great on video," you're at a disadvantage, she says.

Interviews reveal what members want from a potential partner. "It's a screening process," Kooritzky says. "If someone's 50 or 60 and only wants to date 20-year-olds, we nip that in the bud." Like Together’s Brad Megahan, Kooritzky is vague about how client information is verified. Members are quizzed about their backgrounds, and they are asked to produce several forms of identification.

Options does reject some potential clients for reasons not related to substance abuse or criminality. "We've caught some married men," she says. Single bisexuals, for example, might also be rejected by Options. "Some men say they're bisexual, but they're really straight men looking for women," she says. "They want to buy a 'present' for their wives." Some also are what personal-ad placers call "bi-curious," wanting to "try out" homosexuality, and she's hesitant to introduce them to members who are comfortable with being gay. Not all take rejection lightly: "I have all sorts of requests.”